It’s kind of like one of those age-old questions. Do we give our kids too much? As little ones, they “want want want” everything they see. As they get older their demands become a bit more polite, turning into “please please please!” Sometimes it’s hard to resist those cute, little dimples. And probably, more often than not, we give in because we’re sick and tired of hearing the begging.
I took my (now 10 year old) son school shopping last week. We picked up $80 worth of school supplies from a list that the school provided (thankfully, the backpack from last year still works), and then we headed to the mall. My son has recently decided that he’d like a say in what sorts of clothes he wears to school. The skinny jeans, shorts that are just the right length, certain brands of t-shirts, and kid-approved, Mom-makes-me-wear-these collared shirts were among our purchases. All were on sale for pretty good prices, and I was feeling pretty good about what I had spent. And then we moved on to purchase the fashionable item that my son cares about most: sneakers. He pleaded with me for a few minutes to buy some $90 Nike feather-light running shoes that “all of his friends have” (until the sales gal told him that they did not have his size), and then his heart fell onto these Reebok ReeZigs.
Upon first glance, I thought they were kind of ugly. They’re not understated in any sort of way, and they won’t exactly match a whole lot of outfits. But then he tried them on. He jogged around the store with such excitement and pride that I thought… I’m really going to have to consider these. They were on sale for $80. My husband happened to call on my cell phone at that very moment and told me not to buy our son $100 sneakers. I didn’t listen. I bought them anyways.
Reflecting upon my decision later that week, I came to the following conclusions to make myself feel better about this grand purchase for my 10 year old:
1. I had gotten all of his school clothes on sale for good prices.
2. He’s a runner, and these are supposed to be good running shoes.
3. I actually DID make him contribute $20 toward the purchase of the shoes.
When I admitted to my husband that I bought the shoes (that he requested I not purchase), I dissolved into tears. I explained that when I was a child I always wanted those “cool” shoes that other kids were wearing, and we were never able to get them. I wanted our son to have them. Perhaps I’ve sent the wrong message… he asked, I bought, and now I’m stuck with buying uber-expensive sneakers from here on out.
So what do you think…do we give our kids too much? Are you able to hold back and just give your kids what they need? Or do you fall into the trap of wanting your kids to have things you didn’t have as a child?
I too never liked to spend so much money on my son’s sneakers. But then I thought about it. He wears them everyday, just about. Usually from Sept-May if they last that long. And a good pair usually will. If they last that long, it’s not a bad deal.
And I must tell you that I teach fitness classes and I own those sneakers. Two pairs even! They are great and very cushioning on the shins.
when my first child was born, everyone-from my mother-in-law to my ped-told me skimp on clothes if need be, but NEVER skimp on shoes. Growing feet need proper sizing and support. Even more so if working out in them. Your basic decent sport shoe runs about 50.00 at most stores. So between getting them on sale and making your son contribute, you spent an average amount-and that’s before you factor in buying his clothes on sale. So why beat yourself up? But even without all that, isn’t an occasional splurge on our kids okay? Don’t we do the same for ourselves (and skimp elsewhere to compensate?) Kids grow up fast-enjoy them with no regrets!
I agree that shoes are important, and they are one thing that I don’t skimp on for any of us. I have issues with my feet and have a hard time finding shoes that don’t make them hurt like crazy. My 9 year old is just plain hard to fit and also has to have supportive shoes. I also agree that a marriage is a partnership. I’m sorry you felt guilty for buying them anyway, but glad to hear that he isn’t actually upset about it. I think it’s also great that your son contributed his money toward the shoes. That is a great lesson in itself. I really don’t think you’re “stuck” buying the fancy expensive shoes from now on either. Just my two cents! 🙂
I’m okay with spending that kind of money on shoes. Now the crazy stuff like cell phones and sunglasses for kids that costs hundreds of dollars….not so much! I think having him pay for part was just the right thing to do. And if your hubby is still upset about it, maybe your son would work to pay a little more toward them.
Shoes are important, so never feel bad about investing in good shoes for kids. Especially when they are growing at the super fast rates they do. I was taught growing up that shoes are an investment. If you don’t wear shoes that fit, and fit right (for whatever activity) you can end up with severe consequences.
Second, you didn’t buy him $100 shoes, you bought him shoes that were on SALE. Even if that sale was only $80. Then he contributed $20. So you paid $60 for a pair of sneakers. Which I’m sure was somewhere close to the price you were planning on paying. That’s the beauty of sale shopping, we get to buy the expensive things at a lower price and feel good about the bargain we made.
I’ve paid close to $80 for shoes that will last without a blink. (for me, but still) Heck, I’ve paid $50 for dress shoes that I wear two or three times a year. Shoes for my brother and father routinely cost that much simply because they are expensive. (And don’t get me started on the rising price of my Chuck Taylor sneakers….)
Also, your son contributed his hard earned money towards the shoes HE wanted. Lesson here? If he wants something bad enough he needs to contribute. And then since it was HIS money he’ll (hopefully) take better care of them. We appreciate things more when we have to work for them.
You also aren’t “stuck” buying the uber expensive shoes! You let him splurge ONCE to buy a special something. Next time, if he wants them again, he can contribute more because he’ll be older, more mature, and able to understand the importance more.
Also, if my dad ever flat out told my mom “NO” without a discussion she would have gone ahead and done it anyway. A marriage isn’t about listening to orders. It’s about discussion and partnerships.
Good points 🙂
Yeah, we don’t have that kind of a marriage at all. We make our own decisions, but we certainly respect what those decisions are.
The way I see it, your son seems like a really good kid who you have a nice relationship with. He doesn’t seem spoiled or bratty and I think good kids deserve something a little special when it’s back to school time. And it’s not like he’s asking for a DKNY wardrobe! The sneakers are functional, too.
I was mostly a really good kid, but I will always remember one time in middle school, my mom took me shopping and wanted to buy me clothes from Macy’s. I cried and told her I only wanted Abercrombie. She made me get right back in the car and drove me home. I STILL can’t believe I acted that way… Not only was my mom buying me clothes, but why did I have an issue with Macys?! I think it’s tough to fit in at that age and I just desperately wanted to be like everyone else. But I knew right away how ungrateful I was being..
You didn’t do anything wrong! No, kids don’t NEED $100 sneakers, but what do they really NEED besides a few shirts and some pants? Nothing wrong with treating yourself and your kids to something nice from time to time 🙂
My kiddo doesn’t care much about where we buy things (yet), just what kinds of clothes they are. Funny, we ended up buying jeans at Abercrombie because they just happened to be on sale for a good price! He does like that Tilley’s store, though we don’t go there often.
Your husband said, “No.” That should have been the end of it. Train up your child in the way he should go, and when he is older, he will not stray from it. Your child would have learned a more important lesson from witnessing you honoring your husband, than any sneaker purchase could have taught him… even with his contribution of $20.
I like the idea of setting a price point that you will pay, and letting kids earn and save money for what they want above that limit. When I was growing up I had 4 younger siblings, and we almost never had the name-brand items all the other kids seemed to have. I don’t believe I was emotionally scarred by what I didn’t have, and I know I learned that it’s important to be cautious with spending. That being said, I do tend to buy my child a lot of “want” items as opposed to “need only.” She’s not old enough to be insistent upon particular brand names, so I have a little time yet… Thanks for the discussion.
I have a 15yr old daughter and recently experienced a similar running show dilemma. She only wanted a certain Nike shoe and the price was $118. I flat out refused. No way.
My 14-year-old can go through sneakers like no one I know – a new pair at least every 3 months because he absolutely wears them out. Sometimes the time period is less because after wearing holes in the last pair he had the nerve to grow a size a month after purchasing a replacement pair. 🙂 I was a child that grew up on everything WalMart had to offer because that was what my parents could afford so I tend to indulge my son more to make up for what I never got. However, after the first two pairs of awesome but expensive Nikes this past year, he get a $50 budget and if he just can’t live without the shoes he is more than welcome to pay the difference out of his allowance. This last time he went “cheap” and stuck to the $50, got a pair of Saucony’s that were on sale that he didn’t love in the store, and now says they are the best shoes he has owned in the last couple of years. Boundaries are good, but everyone loves having the splurge from time-to-time, even bratty teenagers.
It’s a tough decision. I think certainly there are parents who give their children TOO much. Sometimes I fall into that category myself! However, my 14yr old son always wants the “cool” shoes every fall, that cost between 90-120 dollars. Ouch. Here is how I justify 🙂 He wears Old Navy, with the occasional Target and Aero clothing. He gets ONE pair of shoes every year, unless he happens to have a growth spurt (but now it seems to be once a year). His second pair of shoes for camping and summer is off the sale rack, or cheap off brand. I buy my 3 girls ALOT of clothes and shoes compared to him. He knows the cost and can appreciate the amount spent. I don’t shield my kids from how much things cost, that way they can see the choices even parents have to make. Do I buy the off brand cereal so we can have the name brand Oreos??? haha!!
Aimee
No kids at the moment – but we all were kids once so I can’t truly relate the need to spend so much money on shoes. I’ve seen my parent’s going through tough times whilst growing up. I guess it was a lesson it self for me to spend, frugally.
I didn’t spend that much on sneakers myself until the last couple of years when I started running. But I guess I can understand the desire to have what his friends have. It’s a tough decision as a parent!
You could always give him a shoe allowance of say $70. If he finds shoes less than that he can keep the difference. You will see what are his priorities. You may find he is purchasing shoes for $50.
I really like this idea. I think he’d still get the shoes though… unless I laid actual dollar bills in front of him so he could see what’s on the table!
I can appreciate quality, but honestly that’s more than I’d be willing to pay. I totally get not being the one with the great shoes as a child, but still. I do like that you had him contribute a bit towards them though.
How on earth are you stuck buying expensive shoes next time though? I do not understand that at all. Why not just consider this a special occasion? OR have him save the $$ for the next pair?
I think that working for things like this (when I was a teen) to purchase them myself or simply to decide NOT to purchase them for myself once I had the money saved made me much more financially responsible as an adult.
Good points. I’ll always make him contribute if he wants the expensive pairs. Might have to just set a price limit and let him contribute beyond.
I think you were right in having your son use some of his own money towards the purchase of his tennis shoes. That teaches them a great lesson for later in life. I actually just bought my daughter a pair of Reebok Zigs yesterday, but I’m lucky that she is still in a size 3, so they were only $55. As a runner myself, I know the importance of having a good running shoe. I hope your hubby wasn’t too upset with you! 🙂
Hubby isn’t upset. He’s a good guy 🙂
Also food for thought — those shoes are often expensive because they’re *good*. If you outfit your kids in good, quality shoes now, when they are young, I imagine that later on in life, they won’t develop problems with their feet. I wish I could go back and spend more money on my shoes when I was in my teens, so that I never would have developed plantar fasciitis in my 20s!
I feel your pain… I have plantars fasciitis right now (over- exercising!)
I am completely guilty of giving in. I fully realize that the “I never had…I always wanted…I was made fun of for not having” justification is flawed at best. Obviously I did not become a sociopath for being teased about not having the LA Gears that everyone else had, nor did I become some law-breaking miscreant that does not contribute to society in any productive way for lack of spending money as a tween. But I do remember the pain as if it were yesterday. So, I buy the Zig’s and Chuck Taylor’s and tees on sale at A&F. My son understands the value of a dollar, he contributes for most “frivolous” wants through chores and savings, and he is fully aware that there are many who are less fortunate and willingly donates his time, money and gently used playthings / clothing to charities all the time. So what’s a another $20 for a pair of sneakers when the kid is good and “gets it?” To me, it’s worth it and I refuse to feel guilty about it. I tell him he is spoiled, but there is a difference between being spoiled and a spoiled brat. As long as he remains on the right side of that line, we’re all good.
Agreed. I give in far too often- most of the time because I think all of those clothes and shoes, etc are cute and I love to see my son in them. We shop the sales (always), and he contributes as he can. My only hope is that he “gets it,” or that he’ll eventually get it!
Lori, I think you did a great thing making him contribute. It’s important that tbey realize that “money doesn’t grow on trees” and mom and dad aren’t going to foot (haha, no pun intended) the bill for everything they desire – they won’t appreciate what they are given. It’s not easy making these decisions as a parent because you really don’t want to be the bad guy, either, but in your position, I would have done the same thing.
Money doesn’t grow on trees? 😉
Great post! One I think we can all relate to.
I try to avoid spending more than I have to on my kids clothes, always buying only sale items and shopping around to find the best prices. Though I regret not being able to buy them whatever they want, I try to remind myself that it’s more important what I teach them than what I give them. If they are going to be able to survive in todays economy they need to learn to be frugal. It’s still hard to deny them things. I remember feeling like a lesser (uncool) person in school because my parents raised me the same way. In the long run, I think it makes us better people.
You did make him contribute, and that is *critical* to kids understanding and appreciation for what they have. My kids are 26, 20, 14, and 5- by my last one here, I’ve really come to realize the effect my parental emotions & peer pressure (even adult peer pressure), have contributed to the overall outcome of my children. As I said, they need to contribute. Saving for things they want or need will make them understand that the money tree in the backyard isn’t always green. But, they will also live just fine without such items, too. If they always have the latest and the greatest, they don’t learn how to be content with the things they already have.
After sneaker shopping, we had to go buy soccer cleats and football cleats. He was totally fine w/ buying the least expensive of both ($35)… kind of ironic that those two pairs of cleats added up to less than the sneakers, huh?
I dont’ think you should feel bad about it. you did make him contribute to the purchase. And you know he will use them.
You are blessed to be able to buy him such things. Many families can not do that.
your son should know how blessed he is.
We remind him EVERY day how blessed he is!! Hopefully, he’ll begin to understand that as he gets older.
I don’t think you’re stuck. You did make him pay $20 of his own money – continue this trend. As he grows older, make him contribute more of his own money towards expensive, trendy shoes. It will make him appreciate them more! Alternatively, you could agree on a set price with your husband (say, $50) that you are willing to put towards shoes. Anything above that price, your son has to meet. Again, it will help him appreciate the shoes more as he’s had to pay for part of them. I am like you – my parents would not buy me name brand shoes until my feet stopped growing. Period. I didn’t own a pair of Nikes/Adidas until I started marching band in 9th grade, so I understand the pain – wanting to fit in, etc – but now that I’m older, I can understand where my parents were coming from economically. Again, I don’t think you’re stuck – come up with a plan with your husband. In all reality, it’s a great way to teach your son about clothing costs and how we all have to plan for them! 🙂
I finally got some cool shoes (Nikes, I think) when I was a cheerleader in HS and we all had to wear the same shoes. I remember just LOVING that!
I will always purchase the shoes my children want…gives them a little confidence. Now clothes we will try to find some bargains
I like giving my children things and I try to have a “yes” attitude in our home….I don’t want to be the parents who always say no no no no no. But there is a fine line because it is our job to teach our kids that life doesn’t always go theri way and how to cope. That being said I would have done the same thing (even down to the tears when telling my husband!). It’s great that you made him chip in and he had to sacrifice something to get what he really wanted. Parenting is so darn difficult! lol
I have trouble saying no. But I don’t want to be a “yes all the time” parent either!
I love that you posted about this because I can certainly relate! My 14 y/o son just got a $100 pair of running shoes for CC and that’s just the beginning of our school shopping! He still needs everyday shoes and everything else. I definitely want him to have the best…I didn’t get that at all as a kid. That said, I am a big one for sales and deals and shop like crazy for the best bargain. I say if your son loves his shoes so much that it makes his first day of school even better, GO FOR IT! 🙂
I am A thirteen-year-old girl and I get all the best shoes for low dollars because all I have to contribute to it is $1.50. My parents love me!??? I use my puppy eyes on them too??